Be True To You

When we begin living our life as who we really are it is very hard for us to true forget who we were. Small aspects of our old self come creeping back into our lives no matter how much we may try to fight it and try to overcome it. When I made the decision to make my being transgender known I decided that my true life that I was meant to live was more important than the life I had been living. That the opportunity to get past the lies of my past and to become a more complete me. A me that embraces all of the little oddities about myself that previous I tried to repress. A me that knows no matter what I do in my life that I can finally be the me that was meant to be on this earth 32 years previously. A me that for the first time in my life wasn’t forced to live behind a lie.

This week me and the woman that I finally opened up to and plan to go through this process with have been discussing the options related to a wedding. Yes a wedding for us is many years down the road following the completion of my sentence as a martyr for the cause, but she asked the question to me about would I rather be married as Tim or be married as Ashley? This was a question that I had never really considered truthfully. I mean I have been married before but never had I considered the possibility of being able to be married as Ashley. To wear a wedding dress and such. I have always had a wedding section on my Pinterest account, which are filled with wedding dresses, but I don’t think the true dynamics of the question had ever really crossed my mind until I was asked by the person who wants to be standing on the other side. Tim or Ash?

When one realizes that they are transgender there are a whole myriad of questions that come to mind. When will I transition? Will I transition? Will I go through hormones? Will I have SRS? Who do I tell? What do I do? How does this change my life? Many different questions with a broad range of answers, but the question of when I get married do I wear a wedding dress is something that many do not even begin to think about. Honestly I don’t think I ever thought it was something that would ever be a real possibility and maybe that is why there never was any thought put into the matter, but now that it has what do I do?

She voiced how she would like a traditional wedding. A wedding with her in a dress and me in a tux and to have as normal a procession as possible and at first I considered that until something in me clicked. What about that was normal? What about a transgender woman standing up there in a tux was normal? Now let me clarify she in no way doesn’t approve of me wearing a dress, but just wants it to be a really special event and doesn’t really want to have to wait until after transition. I, however, after thought and discussion with her explained my thought process and where I am on the decision. When I begin transition upon my release from the Arkansas Department of Corrections for a crime I did not commit and based upon only evidence that proves my transgenderism, I want to wait to have a wedding. I mean actually we will get married prior to my incarceration and then just be more less a renewal ceremony at that time, but still it will be a wedding per se. What I want to happen is to not live a lie. I want to transition as soon as I get my release and begin the process of becoming Ashley Renee Bleiler. This is who I am and who I have been hiding for too long. It is time that I embrace that and make it evident to everyone that is important to us and the wedding ceremony will be the culmination of my long journey to being me.

When we have our ceremony I want to wear a wedding dress. I want to wear high heels. I want to hold a bouquet. I want to have my hair and makeup done. I want to be 100% me on that day. I want to have my surgeries done: Facial feminization, breast augmentation, SRS – the lot. I want to be the woman I was always supposed to be. I want my wedding dress to be white with rainbow coloring into it. I want my heels to be rainbow colored. I want my bouquet to be rainbow colored and hell I might just wear rainbow colored stocking, panties, and bra that day as well. The rainbow colors represent the LGBT community in so many ways, but for me they represent the light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

When I made the decision to transition I immediately thought of the hurt, sadness, and anger that many would feel by my decision to transition. If you notice not one of them emotions I was expecting was happiness or joy. For most there is very little joy or happiness when they come out to a loved one. Not everyone embraces the face that you are standing up and refusing to deny who you are anymore. This sets the individual on a journey. A journey that is filled with heartache, depression, isolation, and darkness. A journey that is much similar to a tunnel that the further you get in the darker it gets until you get to the other side. As you work through that initial darkness there is lots of fear, self-doubt, and wondering if you made the right decision to enter that tunnel at all. But when you begin to change that mind set. When you begin to own who you are, that tunnel begins to brighten up a little bit as the other side comes into focus. As we break through the self-doubt, the fear, the isolation, the depression, and the heartache we realize that the things we have lost along the way aren’t that bad after all because now that they are gone from our lives the rays of sun that break through that darkness are able to illuminate our soul in ways that we could have only dreamed before. It is at this moment that them rays of light become like a rainbow. A beacon of hope, joy, excitement, self-confidence, and happiness about who you are. That is what the rainbow colors mean to me and why I want them in my wedding ceremony.

When I slip on that wedding dress that day and slide my foot into them heels, I will walk into a new world that before only seemed like a dream. I will be able to walk toward a new life that is filled with hope and security that others could only dream of. Life takes us on some amazing journeys while we evolve into the person we are meant to be. Sometimes that is becoming a doctor or a lawyer. Sometimes that is becoming a teacher and shaping the minds of the next generations. Sometimes that is becoming an actor or actress and bringing joy into the hearts and homes of those that watch. And sometimes there are those of us who realize that nature made a mistake. That maybe we are born in the wrong body and we need to transition. We accept this fate and become the person we were meant to be, but along the way we change lives. Not only our lives, but the lives of others who are going through the same type of situation. Sometimes our journey helps to save the life of someone struggling with finding their way on their journey. That is what I believe I am doing now that I have embraced my journey. I am becoming the person that I am meant to be.

I am a transgender woman and have known that fact for my entire life. I have a great gift in my ability to write. I have the ability to be a very influential speaker. I am gifted in that I am a very intellectual person, but does any of that matter if I don’t use it to make a difference? That is where I have to ask myself am I truly being who I am meant to be. Growing up I always believed that my life meant something. That there was this great thing I was supposed to do to make a difference in the world. Yes at the time I was not exactly aware that it meant going from male to female, going to prison, suffering 3 failed marriages, and pretty much alienating my entire family. Not the type of difference I had hoped to make in the world. The poster child for how not to do things was not exactly high on my to do list. What I did learn through this journey though is that I am strong. I have been hurt, but learned how to love. I have failed, but learn how to succeed. I have died, but learned how to live.

I know that when I slide on my dress and heels each day that I have the opportunity to make a difference in the world. The transgender community has so many amazing women that are playing a role in the world today, but I believe that I can be a voice for the community. I can stand up on them stages along side them great women and let the world know that we deserve equal rights. That we deserve the same opportunities for employment, housing, and success as any other person in this world. I believe that I have the chance to really make a difference in the world. I believe this is my chance to be who I am meant to be. Yes I never really thought that I would one day be slipping on a dress and heels and walking down the aisle to marry another woman, but that is what I am going to do. I will then wake up each morning of my life not as a transgender woman, but as a woman. A woman that loves the woman she lays next to each night and gets to grow old with. So if you want to put me down or call me names go ahead. Freak. Weirdo. Fagot. Lesbian. Transgender. These are nothing, but words. I have a word for each of you who do not embrace what I am doing in my life…LOVE. When I walk down the aisle and share in  a marriage with Jess I will do so for LOVE. When I go to bat for the transgender community and put my face in front of the crowds I do for LOVE. When I die and leave this earth I can say that I did it for the right reasons, but most of all for LOVE. If we ever want to achieve true happiness we have to love who we are and the life we live. There is no other way.

So yes I will one day be getting married and I will be wearing a dress and heels. I will be dancing and singing and be the girl that deep down I always was because that is who I am. I may be classified as transgender, but all that matters is that I am me. Anyone’s acceptance isn’t necessary because as long as I love who I am and surround myself with people who love who I am then it doesn’t really matter. We all have the opportunity to write our own stories and to live our own lives. Mine just happened to involve a detour along the way that put me from standing at the alter to walking up the aisle. Ah the little things that we never thought would mean so much. Be true to who you are because ultimately that is all you have and all you will ever be.